Sorry, it's been a long time since I blogged. Actually I've been writing, I just keep forgetting to post so this will be a selection of those.

Sept 2: Shrugging into the heaviness of life.

That expression isn't mine, but it's stuck with me ever since I heard it. No, the author of that is Loren's dad, Clark. Clark said it when he was retelling the story of walking in the dark at Nazinga a long time ago. He was shaving with an electric razor and not really paying attention when he nearly walked into an elephant. This elephant wasn't too happy with him I guess, and Clark tried to yell but like in nightmares, couldn't get any sound out. He took off at a run and, just like a nightmare, tripped and fell. He rolled over to find this elephant had chased him and was now standing over him. Clark said, he was quite certain he was going to die and prayed that he was ready to go to the Lord, while a small part of his mind wondered if it, death, was going to hurt. For whatever reason, the elephant wandered away. Clark got to his feet, in wonder that he was still alive. And he said he was so certain he was going to die, it took him awhile to shrug back into the heaviness of life. I felt that same way after the car accident back in Dec. I think I may have written the very same. I was so sure I was going to die when I saw us heading for the tree that it was quite the feeling to awaken after and determine I was actually alive. I can't say I was joyful in that moment as I was fully appreciative of the gravity of the moment, not knowing how everyone else was only knowing I was covered in blood, and that death was still a reasonable possibility.

I liken how I'm feeling to that moment only in the heaviness that life sometimes feels, like you are shouldering a heavy load, or wearing a huge coat, that threatens your ability to keep moving. I had a bit of a fairy tale going without Ben here.  Certainly I missed him a lot, but as with any absence, you tend to forget the tough stuff. The first night, we went for dinner with Clark, Carol, Derek and family, and were the last to go. Ben wanted to go with Loren on motorcycle of course, although he was quite happy when I got him from the airport to sit in the car with me (yay, no seatbelts, and he gets to sit in the front). As I drove home by myself, I saw in front of me a horrible motorcycle accident; the bike was full under the car. The people had been pulled off to the side already and surrounded so I couldn't see. I kept driving with my heart in my mouth, knowing it wasn't Loren's bike but also knowing how fickle life is. It could have been. And I pictured Ben in pain, lying on the ground with his huge blue eyes asking me why this kind of thing happens. All I could do was pray that it never does. There is so much in life that you can't protect your children from – the worst thing of all, yourself. Loren thought I was angry at him I was so serious, but really it was just that: feeling the weight again of parenthood and all the strong feelings that go with it. Knowing the battles between extremely conservative father and expressive, Jim-Carrey-esque son that are to come. Even myself; I get tired of all the silliness and I hear the words come out of my mouth, time and time again, "you're being silly"(my mother) or "knock it off"(my father), knowing what damage that it's likely doing to his self-esteem. Picking a school, wanting him to integrate, yet wanting him to learn and be motivated, to achieve and be unique. Wanting to keep him safe, yet wanting to give him wings, and knowing there's just so much out there that you can't protect them from. Wanting him to grow yet still be my baby. Wanting to give him everything he wants, knowing I can't and shouldn't, and knowing that will spark fights with Loren. I've never believed in having a lot of stuff, but somehow it's hard to fight (and yes, I have a lot of stuff).  And having to choose between spending time with my family and friends or with Loren's. None these things individually are light, together, I feel like I'm climbing narrow stairs carrying an elephant, trying to watch for boobytraps.

He's already got diarrhoea and a rash in his armpit that looks like ringworm. We're already fighting, with Loren too about watching movies, buying him another phone, how many toys he has, playing his DS too much, showering, brushing his teeth, cleaning his room, not going out to play in his pyjamas, asking to be excused from the table, feeding the cat, and changing the litter. I add mediator to my long list of titles.

Sept 21 – Good thing I didn't ask for a haircut

I came home to find my house naked. I'm sure that sounds odd. We had some half dozen trees out front, one was touching the telephone wire and the other was bothering Loren and my neighbour because some branches would touch his aluminum roof when it was windy, and during rainy season that's pretty much every other day. The guard offered to "tailler" meaning to trim it. I got home and was appalled to find 3 full trees cut right down to the stump. The guard very jovially asks "c'est bon, non?" and I of course said NON!!!.  He seemed confused so asked "de quelle cote?" meaning exactly how was it not right. I said everything. When I asked to you to trim it so it wasn't touching the wire, what part of that meant cut down the whole tree? And when you asked before to trim the one touching the roof, did I not say I didn't want you to because I was worried you would cut off too much??! He just looked and said, ah yes of course, you're right. I said it was a good thing I didn't ask you for a haircut, you would have started at my knees.

This is the same person who was confused as to why I was upset that he didn't show up for work and sent no one to replace him. His logic was he was at home praying for me and he didn't feel right that he send someone else just in case something happened. So I asked "therefore it's better that you stay home and pray?" and he very happily replied of course! I said well I'm not paying God, I'm paying you, and I'm paying you to be at my house at 6PM til 6AM and if you don't show up again or send a replacement, you're fired (this is the 4th or 5th time). So he didn't show up again the next day and sent his son who just sleeps on the terrace. We'll be ending his contract end of the month and getting a security company in. This is after we had someone break into the house, while he was on duty - sleeping. I thought it would help him sleep lighter but nope. He still sleeps every night.

Anyway, my former boss at Environment Canada is retiring. Judith was always an amazing person - incredibly smart yet practical and without ego. She was never about being right, but getting it right. We went through a lot of program changes together. I spent more than 3 years doing Offsets, which I don't regret but I think I should have left earlier. She did it for over a decade! That's perseverance. We had our disagreements, and there were periods of time where things were so stressful that we really got on each others' nerves, and couldn't agree on nearly anything. But I completely respect her and even now, miss the conversations we had and the brainstorming we did together. It's interesting when you can look back at parts of your life and point specifically to someone who made a huge difference, turned you in another direction, or who influenced your thinking profoundly. Judith did all those things for me. It very much has me thinking again about my own philosophy and how I manage my own life. I look at all the things she's accomplished and how much she knows, and then there's her personal life which is something pretty amazing as well. Makes me wonder what I do with my time. Makes me re-think how I want to manage my life. I know I have another 20 years to be where she is but I know that if I got to start over, I don't know if I could do everything she has. And that's okay I guess, I am where I am for a reason, but it's fun to be inspired in that way. I wish Judith all the best.

And it reminds me, as I'm trying to sort out the same invoices over again, that some things in life are the same no matter where you go. I think the tree conversation is easily a conversation I could have had at EC. Trying to get software to work is sometimes easier than getting government employees to work.

 Oct 9 – Puppies

We have started our own zoo. We got 2 female puppies yesterday – they are just 4 weeks old and surprisingly large for their age. Sort of typical African mutts – came from a litter of 6, with 2 males. One is called Socks for her 4 white socks and her sister is Shoeshine – who is just the chubbiest little thing. Both cute. We made jokes about having a puppy factory with 2 females – Loren could sell dog meat that way and have his own supply. Gross I know. What was really gross was Andrews cutting the tail off one of the dogs "so it will grow big". African logic apparently.

Now feeding gets complicated. The cat is getting cat food when it's available which is pretty easy; the dogs are getting rice with sauce, milk and occasionally a bit of meat. There is dog food but rice is cheaper, and dogs are, apparently, omnivores. We bought puppy food which we'll give them in a few weeks. Ben gets to clean up the dog poop.

We've decided to fire the guard too. I told the guy who brought him to us the real reason being he doesn't show up all the time and forgets to send replacements so it's easier to get a service where they figure the replacements out. We'll see how that works out. Loren told the guard that HGS is paying for a service so we don't need him anymore – typical African version of saving face. So now the guard is going around the neighbourhood bad mouthing us. He made the mistake of going to one of our neighbours, Mahdou. Mahdou is one of Loren's good friends. The guard told Mahdou that the reason he was fired was because Loren doesn't like him and that Loren had no right to fire him because I was the one who hired him. Mahdou of course knows the real reason, and of course also told Loren what the guard said. So Loren confronted the guard and the guard denied it saying, Mahdou was lying. The next day he goes back to Mahdou and say "tu m'a vendu avec le blanc" – literally you sold me to the white guy. What a mess – just glad he's leaving. We gave him a month's notice so he could find another job, but mid-month I'll give him his salary and say get lost (or translated into African face-saving – we're giving you time to go look for something else).

My frustration level lately has been quite high, and unfortunately my attitude has suffered for it . So I've been crapping on people and generally being ornery. I can't help it, just every little thing of late gets me to yelling mad so quickly. Probably the humidity and all the bugs aren't helping. It's the end of rainy season so it's not super hot but very humid, and there are a million bugs, just in my bed, somehow despite mosquito net. Both Loren and I have blisters from the blister bugs. Loren has a whole row on his lower back – he probably had one small one but like I described last year, when you break the blister the liquid creates new blisters where ever it touches. His belt probably rubbed one and spread it all over his lower back. How many weeks til November? I go on break too for a month! Yay.

We'll see if I actually take it. I'm way behind on my work plan because the invoicing process was transferred to Ouaga and then on top of that, we had to erase all the historical invoices and start again because it was mixed with what was billed by the Ghana office. We have over 400 invoices to put back in the system and I decided to do a waybill/invoice/payment reconciliation only to find out that there were tonnes of mistakes with double billing, and about 50 outstanding invoices. That took a whole month out of my schedule to redo.  And trying to get taxes done, and social security registration, don't have office insurance yet and still don't have all the contract stuff together... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Breathe, Lisa, Breathe!!! Bit at a time.