October 16 - Moving on
I took Ben out of the other school last week on Thursday. Ben came
home crying because he was afraid to make a mistake on his homework.
The teacher had again verbally threatened him with getting hit if he
didn't do his homework, and a different teacher came in and actually
threatened him physically with a long piece of rubber that they use
for switching children here. So I told him he didn't have to go back.
Loren and I went to the school on the Friday and heard the teacher out
(I did tell Ben that if he was lying about it that he would learn what
a real switching was). The teacher basically said that he has a bunch
of bad kids who don't listen so what was he supposed to do. I just
shut my mouth and let Loren talk. I did learn that there are children
here who are very spoiled at home and the parents expect the teachers
to discipline their children for them (not completely unlike Canada as
far as I can tell). So fine, if the parent says to you, yes, please
beat my children for me, who am I? But Ben is a good kid and will do
exactly what you ask more or less immediately. The only reason he
wouldn't is if he hadn't understood. Anyway, that is done.

We started at a new school on Tuesday. There is a bus that takes him
back and forth. The new school is a little smaller – he is in a split
class, basically grades 2 and 3. There are only 7 grade 2 students and
10 grade 3s. There is a teacher and an aide for his class. Most of the
teachers are from Ghana so they all speak fluent English. I asked the
teacher to find something else for Ben to do during his 2 hours of
English a week as they are just learning their colours and numbers.
Ben could teach the class. Ben seems a lot happier here.

Thanks for all the concern about the malaria. Still haven't quite
figured out what went on but it's gone and I feel 100% again. It took
a long time for the last fevers, nausea and dizziness to go away. I
figure I was sick for easily 10 full days.

The latest entertainment is the new bug bites. I was bit by a black
ant on the leg, when I was sick and sleeping on the mattress on the
floor. It was like half my leg was burning and it felt like I was
getting bitten over again every hour or so for about a day. Weird. The
other bite is worse. I got 2 bites, one on my wrist and the other
under my arm. The one on my wrist I noticed, it looked like a blister.
I carefully broke it and wiped up the water, then put polysporin on
it. Where the water from the blister went on my skin, another blister
appeared. So I did the same thing and it eventually dried up. But it
looks like I have a burn on my wrist. The one under my arm looked like
a blood blister about 3 mm in diameter. I didn't pop it but I should
have. I put a bandaid on it and it broke during the night while I was
sleeping. All the liquid was contained by the bandaid thankfully but
when I took off the bandaid, I had a huge blister the size of the
gauze inside the bandaid. It being under my arm it was very hard to
contain even with bandaids so I now have about a dozen blisters in my
underarm, all of which were getting infected and kinda sore. Some of
them are from putting Polysporin on and it spreading around. They are
slowly healing but I will have a number of scars from it. Clark had
one on his back that broke and the liquid spread in such a way that he
looks like he was whipped across his side at his ribs.

I found a gym for $30/month. It's small but has a treadmill, fans,
mats and some resistance equipment. It's better than running outside
and I can do some weights as well as practice some karate. It's really
hard to do stuff at home since the floor is concrete with a textured
tile overlay which is really hard on the feet. There isn't much space
at the gym but enough to practice kicks and jumps and drills, if not
katas. I feel SO out of shape. I had to start back at a 1:1 learn to
run pace but am quickly improving. The 2 miles I had to run for my
black belt exam in 16 minutes is currently taking me closer to 30
minutes but at least I can run 2 miles now. It is still quite hot in
the gym (low 30s - cool compared to outside!) but at least it's not in
the blazing sun. My goal is to be back in at least brown belt form by
Christmas. Black belt form would probably be dreaming but I can
probably get there before hot season (March). However it will be hard
to do if I can't find someone to train with (come here a sec, Loren...
hahaha).

Ben's health has been okay. He was complaining of stomach aches so I
had my mom send a parasite cleanse. I think the parasites here are a
little bigger than those found at home so there was no apparent effect
from the cleanse. So unfortunately had to go back to plan B –
antibiotics. Started him on a course and within a couple days there
was marked improvement. I guess we'll use the cleanse to keep things
cleaned up afterwards!

Otherwise everything is same old, same old. Hope everyone is well.

September 21

I was writing to a friend about Ben and Loren and thought this might be of interest to some others so I thought I would share.

Something one doesn’t normally think of when moving, except if you move countries - you don’t know anything about the politics, religious situation, or something as simple as when are all the days off! You assume a lot are the same but many are not, like the difference between Canada Day and 4th of July, every country has national holidays that differ from our own. I’ve received this great book from Loren’s family called Third Culture Kids which is a fantastic reference regarding children who change cultures, everyone from military kids, missionary kids, refugees, diplomats, etc. and how moving and changing cultures has a fairly consistent impact on people especially children. Loren’s family have all said to me that they felt like it was written for them. Some stuff is generalized but a lot of it quite eye opening – many “ah ha!” moments. I had no idea it was its own culture!

Today was a holiday because yesterday was the muslim festival called Ramadan. Ramadan is kinda like Easter/Lent. They spend the (lunar) month fasting and then have a big party. Sunday, we went to Dembele's (they're muslim) and stayed up late partying. We brought both the boys (Djamal and Rachid who is 4) home with us in order to give Cita a break. She's due in a week or so. I think she has a little bit of time myself as the baby hasn't even really dropped yet. We tried to leave early-ish but the car broke down - problems with the electrical system. Fortunately we weren't too far, so we walked back. This is an ongoing problem, kind of a running joke by now as one day we ran out of gas, another day we were stuck in the mud, now this. Every visit there seems to be something! Anyway we went back and slept over, on a mat on the concrete floor.

When the electrical system went, the car smelled like it was on fire, so we got out quickly. Loren opened the hood, and all looked fine so I said, well at least it's not on fire. He started laughing and said that I'm starting to think like an African - they usually say something bleak like at least we're not dead. I thought it was funny but then they have really strange humour. I really wish I could speak or at least understand Moré better, I only know a few words. They have such weird jokes. Loren nearly stops breathing from laughing so hard. He said something like, I wish I could download my knowledge into your head like in The Matrix. That joke was so complicated and soaked with cultural meaning, I couldn't even begin to explain to you why it was funny.

I had a great time at the party, laughing with old friends - although Dembele and Alain were quite busy as they did all the cooking and serving (poor Cita still got saddled with the cleaning and dishes the following day – I tried to help but she thought I was too slow! They do everything standing up, legs straight, but bent over at the waist - dishes, sweeping with little hand brooms – imagine doing that 9 months pregnant!) - but we laughed and danced and argued and looked at the stars. It takes awhile to beat the uptight, scheduled Westerner out of me, but eventually I relax back into African life.

Ben is settling in okay although he said something kinda bizarre this evening. We were saying prayers and I said something like praying about fitting in and belonging here. He said he didn't want to belong just in case he had to pray for that again when we get back to Canada (I had to laugh). I told him he wouldn’t need to and I said “don't you want to feel like you fit in with your friends here”. He said - I do already. So that made me feel better anyway. I laughed and said, well I guess it's just mommy then, so we prayed that mommy would "get a life". I hate making cultural mistakes - I feel embarrassed all over again when I think about some of the huge mistakes I made when I was here before. Yawning openly at a conference in front of my DG, eating with friends with my left hand so no one would eat with me... it's a long list.

Ben is going to be bored this week as all his friends start school but he doesn't start until the 28th. I'm going to encourage Loren to take Ben to work with him where he can - he offered on Saturday but Ben was having too much fun playing. I told Ben that next time he would go regardless just because it's hard for Loren to get regular time with Ben anyway so it would be best if Ben would go, and the more he goes the more he'll be helpful and be able to learn. Loren is here most evenings for dinner and time to play with Ben before bed but with him working so early sometimes leaving at 5AM and us being a little out of the way, it's sometimes difficult for him to make it here. The longest we didn't see him was 2 days but that only happened once. I can see that Loren is trying to get to know Ben but they are SO different it seems hard. I watch Loren with the other kids, like Djamal or Rachid, or random kids we see and he is patient and talks to them or jokes with them. Like we were at Ben's school and the coordinator had her sons there. She had the older boy running about doing errands, showing us the uniform, going to get change, make photocopies. So when we left, Loren said to the boy (approximately) - bon, Grand Chef (big chief), keep up the good work. The boy was so proud. Loren tries to be like that with Ben somewhat and I encourage him to keep trying but Ben can also be so in his own head that he even kind of ignores Loren so I have to encourage Ben as well to be present in the relationship.

I was reading through an old journal I kept of things about Ben and in it I had a note from when Ben was about 3 saying that Loren was again asking me to come back to Africa with Ben and that I felt annoyed because I was having enough challenges parenting, never mind trying to do that in Africa. I had forgotten that, but remembered when I read it. I remembered what I said to him and how I didn't think I could manage. Part of me wishes I could have believed and gone back then. Ben is a great kid and he would have been pretty different had he been raised here but it would have made integration and his relationship with Loren easier.

I was saying to my mom about how much I can see we coddle children in Canada and don't expect much of them. We praise them for insignificant things and don't allow them to participate in the home as we do too much for them. Here children are very polite and respectful of adults and do every task without complaint. When I say clean up, everyone jumps right to it. When I asked where the store was to get water, and could someone show Ben where it is, 5 kids jumped up and offered, and each of them carried water on the way home, even the smallest child. There is no sense of entitlement, and everyone is invited, always. There are a lot of other tradeoffs that I don't care for, like lack of personal space like when you are in line, how adults will tease children till they cry, the practice of spanking usually still involves some sort of "device" like a switch or ruler, and they are given regularly. Bigger kids pick on smaller kids, and there is a lot of "fun" that involves hurting. Personally I feel that those come from the violence of switching etc. I'm not against spankings, but I am against using something to do it and it needs to be a strong reason. But what do I know, coming from my cushy life.

It's difficult I think for Ben because I feel like I'm a different person here than I am at home, in some ways it's good, like I'm more willing to take time to do stuff with him but my perspective on things is different here and I get angry with him for the way her reacts to some things to which I would have had a smaller response to in Canada. I found it annoying in Canada. Here it is downright maddening. Loren is more patient with him than I am many times when it comes to these things, taking the time to explain, where I may say, because I said so. It usually comes in the places where Ben likes to make up rules or come up with logic or reasons for something. For example, I took out paper for him and his friends to play with and said, if you need more, ask. Ben immediately started making up something about only if we have 2 pieces left or less each. That drives me nuts. I said, “NO I told you, if you need it, ask”. Another example, Loren was going to smoke in the car so he told Ben to open the window, and Ben argued because he didn't feel like it and started to make up some random comment back about not needing to open it. So Loren explained if you open the window, you have more air, if you have more air, you have less smoke to breathe, and that's a good thing. So Ben did it. It's frustrating for me - I feel like he spends so much time trying to think up something smart (as in smart-mouthed) to say, that he doesn't listen.

There is also a bit of jealousy I think for Ben regarding my relationship with Loren. Loren and I have a history and a friendship so we share a lot of jokes and discussion that Ben isn't part of, especially as we get back into the groove of our relationship. He probably doesn't understand why he doesn't have that with Loren and he doesn't understand why I do. He probably even feels a little left out, like I'm not taking his side, or it's some inside joke that we aren't sharing with him, or something like if 2 of his friends wanted to play something else that he didn't want to play or wasn't invited.

On the other hand, I like to spend the time to explain to him when things are different here than they are at home. I'll say things like "here, when any adult calls you over, you must go and even if they grab your arm or something, you just stand there and listen and answer anything they ask you. In Canada however, unless you know the person, you do not go over and you definitely do not get within arm’s reach of them. You must not fool around with people here, you must be respectful and listen, and not talk back, do whatever they ask of you and most of all, you must always address them as tantie or tonton (aunt or uncle)". It sounds quite strict but once they get to know you then they can start to have fun with you too.