September 21

I was writing to a friend about Ben and Loren and thought this might be of interest to some others so I thought I would share.

Something one doesn’t normally think of when moving, except if you move countries - you don’t know anything about the politics, religious situation, or something as simple as when are all the days off! You assume a lot are the same but many are not, like the difference between Canada Day and 4th of July, every country has national holidays that differ from our own. I’ve received this great book from Loren’s family called Third Culture Kids which is a fantastic reference regarding children who change cultures, everyone from military kids, missionary kids, refugees, diplomats, etc. and how moving and changing cultures has a fairly consistent impact on people especially children. Loren’s family have all said to me that they felt like it was written for them. Some stuff is generalized but a lot of it quite eye opening – many “ah ha!” moments. I had no idea it was its own culture!

Today was a holiday because yesterday was the muslim festival called Ramadan. Ramadan is kinda like Easter/Lent. They spend the (lunar) month fasting and then have a big party. Sunday, we went to Dembele's (they're muslim) and stayed up late partying. We brought both the boys (Djamal and Rachid who is 4) home with us in order to give Cita a break. She's due in a week or so. I think she has a little bit of time myself as the baby hasn't even really dropped yet. We tried to leave early-ish but the car broke down - problems with the electrical system. Fortunately we weren't too far, so we walked back. This is an ongoing problem, kind of a running joke by now as one day we ran out of gas, another day we were stuck in the mud, now this. Every visit there seems to be something! Anyway we went back and slept over, on a mat on the concrete floor.

When the electrical system went, the car smelled like it was on fire, so we got out quickly. Loren opened the hood, and all looked fine so I said, well at least it's not on fire. He started laughing and said that I'm starting to think like an African - they usually say something bleak like at least we're not dead. I thought it was funny but then they have really strange humour. I really wish I could speak or at least understand Moré better, I only know a few words. They have such weird jokes. Loren nearly stops breathing from laughing so hard. He said something like, I wish I could download my knowledge into your head like in The Matrix. That joke was so complicated and soaked with cultural meaning, I couldn't even begin to explain to you why it was funny.

I had a great time at the party, laughing with old friends - although Dembele and Alain were quite busy as they did all the cooking and serving (poor Cita still got saddled with the cleaning and dishes the following day – I tried to help but she thought I was too slow! They do everything standing up, legs straight, but bent over at the waist - dishes, sweeping with little hand brooms – imagine doing that 9 months pregnant!) - but we laughed and danced and argued and looked at the stars. It takes awhile to beat the uptight, scheduled Westerner out of me, but eventually I relax back into African life.

Ben is settling in okay although he said something kinda bizarre this evening. We were saying prayers and I said something like praying about fitting in and belonging here. He said he didn't want to belong just in case he had to pray for that again when we get back to Canada (I had to laugh). I told him he wouldn’t need to and I said “don't you want to feel like you fit in with your friends here”. He said - I do already. So that made me feel better anyway. I laughed and said, well I guess it's just mommy then, so we prayed that mommy would "get a life". I hate making cultural mistakes - I feel embarrassed all over again when I think about some of the huge mistakes I made when I was here before. Yawning openly at a conference in front of my DG, eating with friends with my left hand so no one would eat with me... it's a long list.

Ben is going to be bored this week as all his friends start school but he doesn't start until the 28th. I'm going to encourage Loren to take Ben to work with him where he can - he offered on Saturday but Ben was having too much fun playing. I told Ben that next time he would go regardless just because it's hard for Loren to get regular time with Ben anyway so it would be best if Ben would go, and the more he goes the more he'll be helpful and be able to learn. Loren is here most evenings for dinner and time to play with Ben before bed but with him working so early sometimes leaving at 5AM and us being a little out of the way, it's sometimes difficult for him to make it here. The longest we didn't see him was 2 days but that only happened once. I can see that Loren is trying to get to know Ben but they are SO different it seems hard. I watch Loren with the other kids, like Djamal or Rachid, or random kids we see and he is patient and talks to them or jokes with them. Like we were at Ben's school and the coordinator had her sons there. She had the older boy running about doing errands, showing us the uniform, going to get change, make photocopies. So when we left, Loren said to the boy (approximately) - bon, Grand Chef (big chief), keep up the good work. The boy was so proud. Loren tries to be like that with Ben somewhat and I encourage him to keep trying but Ben can also be so in his own head that he even kind of ignores Loren so I have to encourage Ben as well to be present in the relationship.

I was reading through an old journal I kept of things about Ben and in it I had a note from when Ben was about 3 saying that Loren was again asking me to come back to Africa with Ben and that I felt annoyed because I was having enough challenges parenting, never mind trying to do that in Africa. I had forgotten that, but remembered when I read it. I remembered what I said to him and how I didn't think I could manage. Part of me wishes I could have believed and gone back then. Ben is a great kid and he would have been pretty different had he been raised here but it would have made integration and his relationship with Loren easier.

I was saying to my mom about how much I can see we coddle children in Canada and don't expect much of them. We praise them for insignificant things and don't allow them to participate in the home as we do too much for them. Here children are very polite and respectful of adults and do every task without complaint. When I say clean up, everyone jumps right to it. When I asked where the store was to get water, and could someone show Ben where it is, 5 kids jumped up and offered, and each of them carried water on the way home, even the smallest child. There is no sense of entitlement, and everyone is invited, always. There are a lot of other tradeoffs that I don't care for, like lack of personal space like when you are in line, how adults will tease children till they cry, the practice of spanking usually still involves some sort of "device" like a switch or ruler, and they are given regularly. Bigger kids pick on smaller kids, and there is a lot of "fun" that involves hurting. Personally I feel that those come from the violence of switching etc. I'm not against spankings, but I am against using something to do it and it needs to be a strong reason. But what do I know, coming from my cushy life.

It's difficult I think for Ben because I feel like I'm a different person here than I am at home, in some ways it's good, like I'm more willing to take time to do stuff with him but my perspective on things is different here and I get angry with him for the way her reacts to some things to which I would have had a smaller response to in Canada. I found it annoying in Canada. Here it is downright maddening. Loren is more patient with him than I am many times when it comes to these things, taking the time to explain, where I may say, because I said so. It usually comes in the places where Ben likes to make up rules or come up with logic or reasons for something. For example, I took out paper for him and his friends to play with and said, if you need more, ask. Ben immediately started making up something about only if we have 2 pieces left or less each. That drives me nuts. I said, “NO I told you, if you need it, ask”. Another example, Loren was going to smoke in the car so he told Ben to open the window, and Ben argued because he didn't feel like it and started to make up some random comment back about not needing to open it. So Loren explained if you open the window, you have more air, if you have more air, you have less smoke to breathe, and that's a good thing. So Ben did it. It's frustrating for me - I feel like he spends so much time trying to think up something smart (as in smart-mouthed) to say, that he doesn't listen.

There is also a bit of jealousy I think for Ben regarding my relationship with Loren. Loren and I have a history and a friendship so we share a lot of jokes and discussion that Ben isn't part of, especially as we get back into the groove of our relationship. He probably doesn't understand why he doesn't have that with Loren and he doesn't understand why I do. He probably even feels a little left out, like I'm not taking his side, or it's some inside joke that we aren't sharing with him, or something like if 2 of his friends wanted to play something else that he didn't want to play or wasn't invited.

On the other hand, I like to spend the time to explain to him when things are different here than they are at home. I'll say things like "here, when any adult calls you over, you must go and even if they grab your arm or something, you just stand there and listen and answer anything they ask you. In Canada however, unless you know the person, you do not go over and you definitely do not get within arm’s reach of them. You must not fool around with people here, you must be respectful and listen, and not talk back, do whatever they ask of you and most of all, you must always address them as tantie or tonton (aunt or uncle)". It sounds quite strict but once they get to know you then they can start to have fun with you too.