I think people who really know me will find this funny or ironic or something. I have a lot of people asking me what's happening on the other end, like when we arrive. Where will we live?Where will Ben go to school? What kind of work will I do? I really don't have answers to any of these questions. Part of it is that there is just too much to worry about on this end that I don't have time to consider the other end. Part of it is that there is very little I CAN do from here, without spending thousands on phone bills and even then may not get the best result. Part of it is that this is a partnership, so I'm leaving some of the details to my partner, Loren, to sort out. I sent one email asking about schools, and he got on it - he recently called to say he found a very highly recommended bilingual school (english and french) and has a couple potential houses lined up in the south of the city, but hasn't secured anything at the moment. Part of it is I have confidence in myself to get it resolved when I get there if I need to however challenging that might be.
I wonder/worry about Ben fitting in, making friends, being happy, staying safe, staying healthy - we wrestled with what additional vaccines to get him (rabies? probability of being bitten is low to medium but is fatal and the vaccine costs $600 here - resolved through 1 call to a friend who said I can get the shots there). I worry about his relationship with his dad and my ability to support him/them.
The reason people might find this all very interesting is they know that I am a control freak and wonder if not having control might kill me. I'm sure there is at least a small corner of my brain that is fretting about it, the bit of hardware in the background that is running a program and slowing up the software in the front. I can't help but worry a bit when I let myself think about it, but I give much of that up to prayer. Matthew 6:25-34 says it all - "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"... "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - that last part always makes me laugh.
What is killing me is that I don't feel like I'm doing this all that well (leave it to me to not only pick a challenge but decide I have to perform well with it). I feel very bad about leaving work early in order to have enough time to pack. As it is, I'm not going to make it without help. The other thing bugging me is how much weight I'm gaining because I eat when I'm stressed and I'm too tired and sore to exercise (somehow lugging boxes doesn't seem to constitute exercise). It's just 2 -3 pounds every months but not much fits anymore and over the last 8 months it has really added up. There is a paradox in there that if I would just go to karate I would probably feel more energized but it is hard to convince myself of that when I feel like my legs are going to break from going up and down the stairs with heavy boxes and I'm mentally and physically wiped from packing/cleaning/purging/sorting/organizing. I did realize that there was a part of me avoiding black belt class because I don't want to see all those people who gave me a hard time about getting my belt so fast - I'm tired of feeling bad around them - but I'm feeling bad because I don't make it to class and I really want to go. All this feeling bad is very tiring! (I can hear my friends laughing at my neuroticism!)
Doing this by yourself is quite draining as well. I hired a girl off kijiji to help with cleaning and I found just having her around to help - move boxes, pack some stuff, go to the store with me - made me feel better and I was more productive. I don't even know her, she's a nice enough kid and quite hard working. But really what it comes down to is kinda like it's easier to be brave when there is someone else to be brave for. It's easier to be motivated and organized when you have someone to be that way for. I have to be organized when she comes over or she has nothing to do. It cuts the work in half and I don't feel so overwhelmed. I am starting to see where all those studies are coming from that say if you are married/have a partner, you live longer and have less stress. I know I can call on my friends but even that has it's own burden.
I might have said this before but the other thing is the logistical nightmare that this is, trying to live in your house, still needing to eat, shower, dress, play, use stuff, etc. and try to pack 2 sets of bags - stuff that stays, and stuff that's coming. That and having gained weight, what clothes do I pack? I know that within a couple months of being in Burkina, I will be back to 155/size 8 but none of that fits at the moment. So I end up taking at least 2 sizes of clothes with me as well.
I have about 14 days til I have to be done packing (it's more but we're away for 5 days this weekend). I have a few days after we move out to do other stuff, like get visas, traveller's cheques, buy a laptop that don't need to be done right this minute. According to my schedule, it's not going to be done (I know it always does - usually by staying up for the last 3 days straight - I can sleep on the plane I guess!). So if I see you and I look a little wild eyed (or sleepy!) it's not you.
Ok I'm good now. Venting done, time to get back to it. Thanks for listening!
I wonder/worry about Ben fitting in, making friends, being happy, staying safe, staying healthy - we wrestled with what additional vaccines to get him (rabies? probability of being bitten is low to medium but is fatal and the vaccine costs $600 here - resolved through 1 call to a friend who said I can get the shots there). I worry about his relationship with his dad and my ability to support him/them.
The reason people might find this all very interesting is they know that I am a control freak and wonder if not having control might kill me. I'm sure there is at least a small corner of my brain that is fretting about it, the bit of hardware in the background that is running a program and slowing up the software in the front. I can't help but worry a bit when I let myself think about it, but I give much of that up to prayer. Matthew 6:25-34 says it all - "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"... "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - that last part always makes me laugh.
What is killing me is that I don't feel like I'm doing this all that well (leave it to me to not only pick a challenge but decide I have to perform well with it). I feel very bad about leaving work early in order to have enough time to pack. As it is, I'm not going to make it without help. The other thing bugging me is how much weight I'm gaining because I eat when I'm stressed and I'm too tired and sore to exercise (somehow lugging boxes doesn't seem to constitute exercise). It's just 2 -3 pounds every months but not much fits anymore and over the last 8 months it has really added up. There is a paradox in there that if I would just go to karate I would probably feel more energized but it is hard to convince myself of that when I feel like my legs are going to break from going up and down the stairs with heavy boxes and I'm mentally and physically wiped from packing/cleaning/purging/sorting/organizing. I did realize that there was a part of me avoiding black belt class because I don't want to see all those people who gave me a hard time about getting my belt so fast - I'm tired of feeling bad around them - but I'm feeling bad because I don't make it to class and I really want to go. All this feeling bad is very tiring! (I can hear my friends laughing at my neuroticism!)
Doing this by yourself is quite draining as well. I hired a girl off kijiji to help with cleaning and I found just having her around to help - move boxes, pack some stuff, go to the store with me - made me feel better and I was more productive. I don't even know her, she's a nice enough kid and quite hard working. But really what it comes down to is kinda like it's easier to be brave when there is someone else to be brave for. It's easier to be motivated and organized when you have someone to be that way for. I have to be organized when she comes over or she has nothing to do. It cuts the work in half and I don't feel so overwhelmed. I am starting to see where all those studies are coming from that say if you are married/have a partner, you live longer and have less stress. I know I can call on my friends but even that has it's own burden.
I might have said this before but the other thing is the logistical nightmare that this is, trying to live in your house, still needing to eat, shower, dress, play, use stuff, etc. and try to pack 2 sets of bags - stuff that stays, and stuff that's coming. That and having gained weight, what clothes do I pack? I know that within a couple months of being in Burkina, I will be back to 155/size 8 but none of that fits at the moment. So I end up taking at least 2 sizes of clothes with me as well.
I have about 14 days til I have to be done packing (it's more but we're away for 5 days this weekend). I have a few days after we move out to do other stuff, like get visas, traveller's cheques, buy a laptop that don't need to be done right this minute. According to my schedule, it's not going to be done (I know it always does - usually by staying up for the last 3 days straight - I can sleep on the plane I guess!). So if I see you and I look a little wild eyed (or sleepy!) it's not you.
Ok I'm good now. Venting done, time to get back to it. Thanks for listening!
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