Hi all,
The blog hasn't really been happening I guess. I kinda feel like it just turned into maunderings about normal stuff that everyone goes through. It was a worthwhile thing to do at the time but I guess I would rather connect with people on a more individual basis. I'm getting a new computer (I don't think I mentioned previously that we were robbed and had pretty much everything electronic stolen - fortunately my work computer was at work) so soon will again be in regular contact. We're getting Skype too. The work computer doesn't have a webcam so I'm making sure that the next computer does.
When we were only going to be here for a year, I guess I was fairly focused on accomplishing what I thought I should for that year. The thinking being I'd be home soon anyway so just to be present where I was. Now, I'm here for yet another year and as that progresses it becomes less and less certain what the future holds in terms of location and long term plans. Things are evolving with Loren and me and although I'm not really closer to a particular answer, as the picture gets filled in the future will show itself. I find myself thinking about the contacts and relations I've left behind and how I maintain that as ultimately to me, that's what makes life worthwhile.
After a great deal of stress with work (as my last blog details every drop of blood I sweated!) it's only gotten worse - to the point where I was again experiencing road rage and wanting to run people over with my car. I also physically threatened to kill someone if they f'd up again - and I meant it. That one I'll give myself some grace because it was the guard who we pay to protect the house whom I've caught sleeping just about every night. The nights he wasn't sleeping - he took off somewhere without telling me. I had to go meet someone and Ben was asleep. I told the guard that this is the end of the year when there are lots of thefts. If he's sleeping then someone could kill him. My son is in the house and if anything happens to my son, I would personally kill him with my bear hands. He definitely didn't sleep that night. One night I came out and kicked him - still doesn't deter him. The next time, I'm going to bind him up with duct tape and put chili powder up his nose. Sounds cruel, but when you've had your house robbed and this guys only job requirement is that he stays conscious for 8 hours well, it's annoying.
Anyway, I got sick again - I honestly think it was the stress. I love the terms - makes your blood boil, or seeing red. I've had those happen and I'm pretty sure they aren't good for you. And again all of it stems from someone not doing their job or doing it so badly it creates huge problems. We've been trying to import our products going through the proper channels - meaning you get an inspection by COTECNA before you ship and then going through customs should be easier. Well COTECNA was a nightmare which I can hardly explain with the amount of back and forth trying to get papers, having to resubmit documents 2 and 3 times because they were lost. When it was all finally done and we had our truck in Ouaga we couldn't take it out of customs because some idiot translated an item from grease gun (pistolet) to rockets (fusille). To transport arms across international borders of course requires special papers which we of course don't have because well, we're not shipping arms. However I was warned that finding anything remotely like arms on my truck would require that I be imprisoned which doesn’t do much to improve my mood. So we took everything off the truck and they were satisfied that there were no rockets and let us leave. I think I could have killed someone. The process that should have taken a total of 10 days from start to finish and could have been done by my secretary turned into 5 weeks of me phoning clients reassuring that their stuff is coming, redoing documents, working weekends, having meetings and finally being threatened with prison.
So it's probably not a huge wonder I was sick the following Monday. I got to work, worked for a few hours then felt tired, I also had a low grade fever and what looked like an allergic reaction where my skin was clear but you could see it was red underneath - hard to describe but the skin itself wasn't red just underneath was - more like carbon monoxide poisoning if you've ever seen that. Someone had my car so I couldn't go home. So I lay down in one of the rooms. To say I fell asleep would be an understatement - I crashed. It was closer to being knocked unconscious. I slept for an hour, and then someone drove me home. Over the next 48 hours, I slept for 36. In the few I was awake, I went to the clinic. From the blood work he said I have typhoid fever, salmonella poisoning and that I'm anemic. Add an allergic reaction and of course that's a fantastic recipe for being tired. A week later and I was still tired. I could drink a coffee and go directly to sleep all night. The dreams that go with that concoction of drugs are quite interesting as well.
I got a medical certificate to be off work for 10 day and I tried to go to work earlier but got up at 1PM so that doesn't really work. I still worked at home - responding to emails, and doing some work that needs doing that doesn't require my presence in the office. I went in to do salaries and make sure they had money to pay bills for month end and for errands. But that's it. Anytime something stressed me, I'd drop it immediately and do something else. Spent a lot of time on facebook and buying Christmas presents for my family online. I wandered around facebook and looked about 15 people's pages randomly just to see what was happening in their lives, sent emails to friends I hadn't connected with in awhile and seeing lots of pregnancies and newborns which was exciting. Then there were deaths too, like a friend from high school I've recently reconnected with whose mother died a month ago. I always remember her mom as being someone who was very hard and driven. My friend was one of the few whose parents were divorced. In the 80s that was rare. Now having been a single parent, I can sympathize with how hard that must have been to deal with 2 kids and a divorce. I can also see through the in memoriam and videos that were put together that she was actually a very loving person and an extremely giving person, who contributed a lot to the community around her. I look at my own parents and sort of see them as people who are kind of floating through life – driven people but with side-blinders on. I am inspired to see the great things this woman did. It comes at a time when I'm wondering what a real life looks like. I have a busy life, no doubt - a parent working full time, in a stressful and demanding job. But what is it that makes you look at life and have those moments of satisfaction where you did a good job and really felt like you contributed or made a difference? I can't criticize my parents - I only hope that they have those moments of satisfaction in their life - I just think what I think is important or what inspires me is quite different than what it is for them.
It's like that line in City Slickers I guess where you have to find out that "one thing" for yourself, because it's different for everyone. I know for me, connecting with people is really important. And as much as I flit in an out of people's lives because I move so much, I still reach back, and I hope that even though I can't stay 100% current with people due to distance and sheer numbers, that everyone knows how much I care about them and how grateful I am that I've been blessed to know so many wonderful people. There are the differences too between the small pleasures like petting an animal or reading a good book, and the larger things like helping someone make an important decision or giving someone a needed push in the right direction. I'm thinking part of it is reflecting on the things you do to take the time to witness where you have made those contributions - not so much for others to recognize but just for yourself to recognize and take some joy from them. I think about how stressed I get when these problems arise and I realize that I take problems quite personally - both from the perspective that somehow I should have been able to avoid it and also that whoever created the problem did it intentionally or without consideration for me - fundamentally lacking respect for me and my time. Neither is really a useful way of looking at the problem. Others might find satisfaction in dealing with those kind of things but I just feel angry, tired and resentful - victimized even.
So in terms of here, as with life every time I move (which is frequently so you'd think I'd be used to it by now!) I am still trying to find my way, my place in the community. Loren's friends love me and think I'm crazy. I'm of course nothing like any of the other women they know and they are fun to talk to. But even at home there is only so much satisfaction in sitting around talking to people, even where you can connect and be helpful. I've been trying to get more involved in the life of Derek's family - arranging dinner or outings once a month with the children and a "mommies night" for Myriam and myself to talk and pray and hang out. At 32 she's gotten somewhat lost in being a mother and working, and has forgotten what fundamental gave her joy in life for herself. Perhaps we will discover together. There is the language barrier and there are the strong cultural differences but it's interesting to go through that learning together.
The sky is this absolutely phenomenal colour right now - a pink and orange glow. The best parts of Harmattan, it's so dusty and will only get worse, your nose is always full and you constantly feel the need to wash BUT it's nice and cool at night, to the point where you need sheets and a blanket, and the sunsets are really incredible and almost every day like that - both a product of the dust. And there are less bugs.
I am to the point where I don't want to lead anymore. I am tired of feeling like I'm the only person who does stuff because it needs doing, because it's right to do so. I keep asking the question "why am I leading this?" I ask it both of work and of my family life. I got tired of watching everyone do things in a half assed way around me, tired of telling people how to do their job and why it’s important to do it well (rarely get there); tired of telling people why they need to respect their wives and families (this is a losing battle as far as I can tell), and why spending all day everyday drinking at the bar is a waste of life (these aren't teenagers I'm talking to, they are men in their 40s and 50s), listening to people justify their pathetic behavior, and thinking they have zero right to complain about their government and the state of their country. No one thinks of consequences - short or long term, just doing whatever the hell they feel like doing. I could take that stance, but of course there are too many people counting on me for that. Can I just screw off and leave my son at home? Sure I can but is that going to give me the result I'm looking for with him? No. Can I just leave my work to do itself? Of course but then I'm accountable for how that turns out, even if it's not my business, even if it's not my money - and I care how I do my job. How do you get people to see that? I guess it's a matter that they don't have a desired outcome either, in terms of their families or work. They just do without thinking where that's going - or what the greater impact of that is.
I guess it would be nice to see something of excellence and get to follow it instead of having to try and create it. I'm having to reinvent the wheel at work, a wheel I know exists but there's no one to show me what it looks like or how it works. When I worked at EC, that was one of the greatest things about some the people I worked with - seeing excellence, people who are the best at what they do and who had no ego - they just wanted it to be the best it could be. When there was the opportunity to work with these people, it was an amazing process.
So anyway, I have some more photos - got a new camera. I will try uploading later.
The blog hasn't really been happening I guess. I kinda feel like it just turned into maunderings about normal stuff that everyone goes through. It was a worthwhile thing to do at the time but I guess I would rather connect with people on a more individual basis. I'm getting a new computer (I don't think I mentioned previously that we were robbed and had pretty much everything electronic stolen - fortunately my work computer was at work) so soon will again be in regular contact. We're getting Skype too. The work computer doesn't have a webcam so I'm making sure that the next computer does.
When we were only going to be here for a year, I guess I was fairly focused on accomplishing what I thought I should for that year. The thinking being I'd be home soon anyway so just to be present where I was. Now, I'm here for yet another year and as that progresses it becomes less and less certain what the future holds in terms of location and long term plans. Things are evolving with Loren and me and although I'm not really closer to a particular answer, as the picture gets filled in the future will show itself. I find myself thinking about the contacts and relations I've left behind and how I maintain that as ultimately to me, that's what makes life worthwhile.
After a great deal of stress with work (as my last blog details every drop of blood I sweated!) it's only gotten worse - to the point where I was again experiencing road rage and wanting to run people over with my car. I also physically threatened to kill someone if they f'd up again - and I meant it. That one I'll give myself some grace because it was the guard who we pay to protect the house whom I've caught sleeping just about every night. The nights he wasn't sleeping - he took off somewhere without telling me. I had to go meet someone and Ben was asleep. I told the guard that this is the end of the year when there are lots of thefts. If he's sleeping then someone could kill him. My son is in the house and if anything happens to my son, I would personally kill him with my bear hands. He definitely didn't sleep that night. One night I came out and kicked him - still doesn't deter him. The next time, I'm going to bind him up with duct tape and put chili powder up his nose. Sounds cruel, but when you've had your house robbed and this guys only job requirement is that he stays conscious for 8 hours well, it's annoying.
Anyway, I got sick again - I honestly think it was the stress. I love the terms - makes your blood boil, or seeing red. I've had those happen and I'm pretty sure they aren't good for you. And again all of it stems from someone not doing their job or doing it so badly it creates huge problems. We've been trying to import our products going through the proper channels - meaning you get an inspection by COTECNA before you ship and then going through customs should be easier. Well COTECNA was a nightmare which I can hardly explain with the amount of back and forth trying to get papers, having to resubmit documents 2 and 3 times because they were lost. When it was all finally done and we had our truck in Ouaga we couldn't take it out of customs because some idiot translated an item from grease gun (pistolet) to rockets (fusille). To transport arms across international borders of course requires special papers which we of course don't have because well, we're not shipping arms. However I was warned that finding anything remotely like arms on my truck would require that I be imprisoned which doesn’t do much to improve my mood. So we took everything off the truck and they were satisfied that there were no rockets and let us leave. I think I could have killed someone. The process that should have taken a total of 10 days from start to finish and could have been done by my secretary turned into 5 weeks of me phoning clients reassuring that their stuff is coming, redoing documents, working weekends, having meetings and finally being threatened with prison.
So it's probably not a huge wonder I was sick the following Monday. I got to work, worked for a few hours then felt tired, I also had a low grade fever and what looked like an allergic reaction where my skin was clear but you could see it was red underneath - hard to describe but the skin itself wasn't red just underneath was - more like carbon monoxide poisoning if you've ever seen that. Someone had my car so I couldn't go home. So I lay down in one of the rooms. To say I fell asleep would be an understatement - I crashed. It was closer to being knocked unconscious. I slept for an hour, and then someone drove me home. Over the next 48 hours, I slept for 36. In the few I was awake, I went to the clinic. From the blood work he said I have typhoid fever, salmonella poisoning and that I'm anemic. Add an allergic reaction and of course that's a fantastic recipe for being tired. A week later and I was still tired. I could drink a coffee and go directly to sleep all night. The dreams that go with that concoction of drugs are quite interesting as well.
I got a medical certificate to be off work for 10 day and I tried to go to work earlier but got up at 1PM so that doesn't really work. I still worked at home - responding to emails, and doing some work that needs doing that doesn't require my presence in the office. I went in to do salaries and make sure they had money to pay bills for month end and for errands. But that's it. Anytime something stressed me, I'd drop it immediately and do something else. Spent a lot of time on facebook and buying Christmas presents for my family online. I wandered around facebook and looked about 15 people's pages randomly just to see what was happening in their lives, sent emails to friends I hadn't connected with in awhile and seeing lots of pregnancies and newborns which was exciting. Then there were deaths too, like a friend from high school I've recently reconnected with whose mother died a month ago. I always remember her mom as being someone who was very hard and driven. My friend was one of the few whose parents were divorced. In the 80s that was rare. Now having been a single parent, I can sympathize with how hard that must have been to deal with 2 kids and a divorce. I can also see through the in memoriam and videos that were put together that she was actually a very loving person and an extremely giving person, who contributed a lot to the community around her. I look at my own parents and sort of see them as people who are kind of floating through life – driven people but with side-blinders on. I am inspired to see the great things this woman did. It comes at a time when I'm wondering what a real life looks like. I have a busy life, no doubt - a parent working full time, in a stressful and demanding job. But what is it that makes you look at life and have those moments of satisfaction where you did a good job and really felt like you contributed or made a difference? I can't criticize my parents - I only hope that they have those moments of satisfaction in their life - I just think what I think is important or what inspires me is quite different than what it is for them.
It's like that line in City Slickers I guess where you have to find out that "one thing" for yourself, because it's different for everyone. I know for me, connecting with people is really important. And as much as I flit in an out of people's lives because I move so much, I still reach back, and I hope that even though I can't stay 100% current with people due to distance and sheer numbers, that everyone knows how much I care about them and how grateful I am that I've been blessed to know so many wonderful people. There are the differences too between the small pleasures like petting an animal or reading a good book, and the larger things like helping someone make an important decision or giving someone a needed push in the right direction. I'm thinking part of it is reflecting on the things you do to take the time to witness where you have made those contributions - not so much for others to recognize but just for yourself to recognize and take some joy from them. I think about how stressed I get when these problems arise and I realize that I take problems quite personally - both from the perspective that somehow I should have been able to avoid it and also that whoever created the problem did it intentionally or without consideration for me - fundamentally lacking respect for me and my time. Neither is really a useful way of looking at the problem. Others might find satisfaction in dealing with those kind of things but I just feel angry, tired and resentful - victimized even.
So in terms of here, as with life every time I move (which is frequently so you'd think I'd be used to it by now!) I am still trying to find my way, my place in the community. Loren's friends love me and think I'm crazy. I'm of course nothing like any of the other women they know and they are fun to talk to. But even at home there is only so much satisfaction in sitting around talking to people, even where you can connect and be helpful. I've been trying to get more involved in the life of Derek's family - arranging dinner or outings once a month with the children and a "mommies night" for Myriam and myself to talk and pray and hang out. At 32 she's gotten somewhat lost in being a mother and working, and has forgotten what fundamental gave her joy in life for herself. Perhaps we will discover together. There is the language barrier and there are the strong cultural differences but it's interesting to go through that learning together.
The sky is this absolutely phenomenal colour right now - a pink and orange glow. The best parts of Harmattan, it's so dusty and will only get worse, your nose is always full and you constantly feel the need to wash BUT it's nice and cool at night, to the point where you need sheets and a blanket, and the sunsets are really incredible and almost every day like that - both a product of the dust. And there are less bugs.
I am to the point where I don't want to lead anymore. I am tired of feeling like I'm the only person who does stuff because it needs doing, because it's right to do so. I keep asking the question "why am I leading this?" I ask it both of work and of my family life. I got tired of watching everyone do things in a half assed way around me, tired of telling people how to do their job and why it’s important to do it well (rarely get there); tired of telling people why they need to respect their wives and families (this is a losing battle as far as I can tell), and why spending all day everyday drinking at the bar is a waste of life (these aren't teenagers I'm talking to, they are men in their 40s and 50s), listening to people justify their pathetic behavior, and thinking they have zero right to complain about their government and the state of their country. No one thinks of consequences - short or long term, just doing whatever the hell they feel like doing. I could take that stance, but of course there are too many people counting on me for that. Can I just screw off and leave my son at home? Sure I can but is that going to give me the result I'm looking for with him? No. Can I just leave my work to do itself? Of course but then I'm accountable for how that turns out, even if it's not my business, even if it's not my money - and I care how I do my job. How do you get people to see that? I guess it's a matter that they don't have a desired outcome either, in terms of their families or work. They just do without thinking where that's going - or what the greater impact of that is.
I guess it would be nice to see something of excellence and get to follow it instead of having to try and create it. I'm having to reinvent the wheel at work, a wheel I know exists but there's no one to show me what it looks like or how it works. When I worked at EC, that was one of the greatest things about some the people I worked with - seeing excellence, people who are the best at what they do and who had no ego - they just wanted it to be the best it could be. When there was the opportunity to work with these people, it was an amazing process.
So anyway, I have some more photos - got a new camera. I will try uploading later.
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